Gone too soon...

I know I haven't been on here for quite some time. I have the roughest couple of months I think I've ever survived. Between deaths in the family, to personal problems, to I don't know what I'm doing anymore guilt. It just never felt right to write it all down til now.
What I really just want to say right now is, I lost a cousin of mine. One that I grew up with telling my problems to, he always knew exactly what to say to me and he never judged the stupidness of my situations, he always understood. David Thomas Foss... though we both grew up these past couple years and never discussed a lot... back in the day when we were both kids/teenagers... you had helped me get through a lot of problems, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart... I don't know what I would have done without you. There are so many that are going to miss you. I love you very much.
Also, I am drawing a picture... (see above) for David. I'm not even half done, its a work in progress.
When its all finished, it will have, Gone Fishin' in the ribbon... David T. Foss at the bottom, with date of birth and when he passed. I will have it black and white... maybe someday i'll get it colored...

Anyway. Happy Halloween everyone... I need to put the rest of my decorations out! lol

Peace & Love <3

New New NEWness

So I've been watching a lot of youtube videos lately... I know, I know. I've wanted to post some videos, BUT i'm just horrible at editing them. this new Video Maker on my computer is just a complete mess. I don't like it one bit. I'm trying to find one I can download and use to edit my vids without a single fuss or head scratching problems.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO starting Monday. after my usual daily routine of:
1. morning jog
2. morning coffee
3. morning shower
4. email checking (along with fb twitter ect.)
...
numero 5. shall be making videos and attempting? to edit? them?
this should be fun. I'm kind of exciting.

The last time I remember really editing a video was in highschool.
I did a spoof video for a class. A friend and I, dressed up as gangsters and sang
"the real slim shady" song. Let's just say I wish wish WISH I could find that video and post it on youtube. The entire class laughed and editing the cuss words out... was probably the most aweful part that I remember.

Well until next time.
-Peace-

lost

i dont know what to do anymore. everything just seems like it falls out of place everytime i try to see the positive side of things. i just can't take it anymore. my anxiety is killing me and everything is making it worse. i really feel like i've fallen in a rut and no matter how hard i try and how hard i plead i cannot seem to find my way out of it. it's like i'm trapped in my own little world banished from reality... i try and try and try to hold on but i just slip away. what does a person do without a means of transportation to do the important things in life? job, appointments, interviews, family functions.. and in the end i look like the bad person because i can only do so much to help myself.
for years my social anxiety has gotten worse and worse.. go to the doctor right? with what money. it's sad some days i can't even leave my house and nobody understands. not even the person i love and live with.
all i ask is where the hell is my break? ...before i hit my breaking point...

New Moon Rising...

I've been very busy the past couple of weeks, trying to find a way to get a job without a working vehicle... Still nothing. It seems like all I really have is my damn computer. Now, If only I could make money off of here I would be set. I'm bound and determined to do this on my own. It is really hard though... 'Specially when I live in a dinky ass town and the only real jobs are in the surrounding towns. Sitting at home gives me a lot of time to think. Think about things I need to think about, but also think about things that shouldn't even matter anymore. It sort of drives me to the brink of insanity sometimes... Sometimes I feel like I don't know where to turn or who to talk to because I hear the same thing over and over again. I just feel like my options are very limited. If it weren't for Daniel, I don't know where I would be right now. People look at us and think I take him for granted. I probably do. I don't think I could ever thank him enough for being supportive and helpful. I love him.
I have also began to think about my relationships outside of my intimate one with him. My friendships that is. I really think it's time to dump some people that I think are holding me back. Sometimes I think I'm only friends with some certain people because I think I have to be. This person's friends with this person and if I'm not at least trying to be friends with them than all hell breaks loose. Well, I'm done with all that bullcr*p. Especially when these people that your friends with, your nothing but nice to them...your a shoulder for them to cry on and an ear for them to listen. I'm done, and I need to focus on my life, I need to better my life and I don't need to deal with the everyday bullcr*p that these people bring into my life.
I'm ready for a new beginning. I'm ready for change. I just hope every ones ready for me. :)

the way it is. .. .

The bad thing about life is we never know what's going to happen, but then again.. do we really want to know whats going to happen? We could prepare...or we could worry. Either way could be horrible. I don't know what I want. I sometimes want to know where I will end up in the end. But then again, the anxiety would be too much for me. I don't think I could handle it...
There's so much shit that I could say or do...Just to get my points across. But, in the end would it really be worth it? Hurt feelings, people getting butt hurt, just for the absolute truth.
Well i'm sick of living behind a veil. I'm gonna tell you how it is and where to stick if from now on. If you don't like it move aside. you don't need to be along for the ride. -PEACE-

Broken

Theres only so much my heart can take
Before I feel it shatter inside
The feeling of an earthquake
Ripping out my sides
The sound of tears falling
Like rain on a lonely day
The pain I hold inside me
Will someday go away

You taught me how to love
taught me how to fight
Taught how to say no
When that something
Feels so right
You never will agree
I’ll never make you see

how much you’ve broken me

Lost & Lonely Smiles

I appologize for not having a post written for some time now. I have had a lot of personal business to attend to and I just wasn't ready to share that business with anyone really. I still don't feel I can, SO, I won't be writing about that. I did write a short poem that I will post after this about how I feel.
It's nothing special just something I jotted down the other day...
Just some feelings I have been feeling.

Crash Test

I've got to thinking today and the best way to start would be to talk about high school love. Why not start at the basics. Where we all first "fell in love" or thought we did anyway.
Me personally, I thought I fell in love when I was 15 years old. Later on I think back and just wonder what the heck was I thinking. How could I have thought I was in love? Because this is the age where we learn what love is and what love isn't. We HAVE to go through this to learn what are the rights and wrongs of love. Who is going to be suitable for us in the future, and who are the "right now" men/women.
Now love always being the roller coaster that it is, it's hard for the younger aged to get over their first crush. They think it's the end of the world. I'm sorry that I don't find Romeo and Juliet very romantic. They were too young to know what love was, let alone die for eachother. My personal opinion I think it's harder these days for all the youngsters out their to "get over" their love because of all the broken homes. They want to find some acceptance......and where else would they look for that besides where they are 8 hours out of a day 5 days a week. High school.
Beings I'm not a parent, quite yet.....I shall explain what I would do if I was a parent of a teenager.
Quit simply I think that teenagers these days are NOT being punished enough and are running rampid around, doing whatever they please. I wouldn't let my child date until the age of 16 or older and only if they WANT to date. I would sit them down in junior high and explain to them.....all the emotions and the things they are going to go through and that no matter WHAT goes on they can always come to me with questions.
Thoughts? Opinions?

Down With The Justice System?

Another quick thought...what about that Casey Anthony Trial Yesturday.
NOT GUILTY?! You have got to be kidding me.
But, like my friends and I have discussed..yes there is so much evidence that point to her, but no evidence to prove she was there when it happened.
I, in my own honest oppinion think she did do it. But, if you can't prove it she shouldn't be sentenced to death or life in prison.
Sucks, but thats how the justice system works.
I would really like to see some comments on this post, I want oppinions, discussions. Let me know how you feel about this?

Down To The Basics

Considering I have to help take a friend to the hospital, I'm going to quickly write a post before she shows up.
I told you all before I was going to write about relationships, and I promise I will.
When I have the time and am in the right state of mind...that way it's not a big waste of time to read. ha.
But...I suppose I should probably get ready before she gets here...
Either tomorrow or when I get back I will write my first post on being a couple. The ups/downs...some advice...Coming from a girl that has played the field, has been hurt many of times...and I'm pretty logical. I have a lot of advice to give.
Until then, peace & love.

Words Of a Drunken Woman

I don't expect this Blog to be at the up most interesting, or viewed a lot, or even intelligent.
Mostly because I am really hungover...or still a little bit drunk...you be the judge.
I should have eaten a damn steak before I drank lastnight. But, no I wanted to get straight to the point because that's the type of person I am. I don't lollygag around. Not when it comes to drinking anyway.
I wanted to blog today about relationships. But, I am in no mind state to even attempt to try and make my words make sense to you readers. :) sorry.
I'm going to go tanking today...Well in like 2 hours.
If none of you know what that is, I'll explain.
4 to 6 rednecks get a horse tank ... you know the big blue tubs that you put water in ... well INSTEAD of putting water IN the tank ... we put ourselves in the tank ... put the tank in the river ... and float down it. Now you may think that it's an easy concept, probably isn't much fun.
Let me tell you, I have stories...wow do I have stories about tanking that may blow your mind (but that can wait for another day)
Anyway, My girlfriends and I are getting in a tank in 2 hours maximum.. floating DOWN the river to our reserved spot which will take about 5-6 hours, and along the way of course we are going to get very very VERY drunk. Sounds like a blast eh? Just wait when you have more than 4 to 6 people...
when you have like 4 to 6 tanks full of people that are all drunk, falling over, telling stories, playing cards... I will say this before I leave you all.
If you don't at least try tanking before you die, you are missing out.

Starting Out...

Perfect ending. I don't want anything to change. I want to remember everything just the way it is. just us two, starting our lives together, if that's what this is.
I need some ideas... A start to a final ending... But, really what is there to write about that hasn't already been read? I'll tell you, the thoughts that rule my mind. That my friend will be the one thing nobody has ever even attempted to explore. I laugh when people try.
Finally...something to make my family and friends realize how talented I am.
The real me.
Happiness. Writing. That's what brings me that Ecstasy. There is nothing more I want out of life than to write a novel or a epic story that everyone would enjoy. Maybe, help others coincide with one another...whom they never thought they'd befriend or relate to.
Is it possible?
God, I hope so. I think my life counts on it.